I have been thinking a great deal over the
last few weeks about the question, "Why do I have
self-confidence?" I should start my answer with a disclaimer- my level of
self-confidence often depends on the day. If I am stressed, sick, or near
“happy week,” my ability to think well of my personal self sometimes wavers.
But I have certain things I do in those moments that help me to get back on
track. My self-confidence is a work in progress, but I definitely feel like I
have made great strides in that department.
I
personally think that the majority of self-confidence comes down to expectations-
are you meeting the expectations of yourself that make you feel like someone
who is worthwhile? The world’s expectations, which are reinforced in movies,
music, magazines, and television, tell you that you must have and be all of the
following, all of the time, in order to be worthwhile: gorgeous, with perfect hair, the newest styles
of clothes, and a skeletor-thin body; have a nice car; be dating someone; have
a great career. While I want some of these things to some degree and am
striving to accomplish them, I don’t meet any of them now (and I’m not fishing
for compliments- that is just how I feel). But I don’t want to waste time meanwhile
not feeling confident, just because I haven’t met my life goals yet. I have two
ways of avoiding despondency in the meantime: 1. Setting small, achievable
goals; 2. Changing my overall perspective of what is means to be worthwhile.
My
overall life goals are to be married to my best friend, have children that grow
up healthy and strong and know they are loved, to contribute to my community in
a meaningful way, and to grow personally and spiritually into the best version
of myself. Every year, I think about major goals I would like to accomplish to
help me move in the direction of these life goals. This year I want to move out
of Reno, start a grad school program, sell my photos, become healthier, and
date more. In order to accomplish these goals, I set some daily and weekly
goals that I write in my planner. I love being able to check things off a list,
so now I have something every day that is doable
that I can check off, moves me closer to reaching my goals, and helps me feel
like I have accomplished something meaningful. For example, for moving and
starting a grad program, I set a goal to set aside a little bit of money each
paycheck towards paying for them. I set a little time aside each Thursday to
research schools and areas to move to. For my goal of being healthier, I have
daily exercise, water intake, and fruit/ veggie consumption goals. I recommend
deciding what it is you want in the long term and then setting achievable goals
that you can do that will help you feel like you are accomplishing something.
Knowing that you are moving forward, that you are not stagnant, will go a long
way to helping you feel your own sense of worth.
Did you
notice that I spelled out the world’s standards of worth earlier? While I want
some of those things, the level of priority I give them is a little different.
Way more important to me than having great hair is having great relationships
with my family members. Way more important to me that wearing nice clothes is
to be someone of great honesty, kindness, and optimism. That’s not to say that
having great hair and great clothes aren’t important. I am just saying there
are other things that make me happier in the long run. I am so lucky to work at
a dental office, because I see the wealth of humanity come through every day.
As I see different women, I find ones that I admire and try to figure what it
is about them that I like. Then I try to make those qualities the most
important to me. What do they all have in common- they are kind and friendly,
their kids look so happy, they are well educated, and they are movers and
shakers in their community. They are not all fancily dressed, few are thin, and
they aren’t always perfectly attired. But they are happy and they exude
confidence. That is who I want to be when I grow and those are the qualities I
work for.
Something
very important that helps me to solidify my feelings of self-worth comes from
my spiritual background. Every week at church, I am reminded that I am a
daughter of a Heavenly, who is perfect and wonderful. As His daughter, I have
limitless potential to become like Him. As I have sought out His help, I have
felt ennobled and empowered to change myself for the better. I fortify that
during the week by setting and accomplishing my goals, by having sincere prayer
about these goals, and by reading my scriptures to remind myself of how others
have overcome trials and gone on to be successful in spite of terrible
circumstances. It works for me. You have to figure out what works for you.
As I
have pondered my low moments, I have noticed an emerging pattern. I usually
feel bad about myself when I am around people I perceive as better or more
accomplished than myself. I measure my worth against the outward appearance of
someone else’s virtues. This is dangerous, because you are only seeing what is
on the surface, which is a seemingly unattainable standard of perfection or
accomplishment. This can leave you feeling helpless. If you find yourself
tempted to think this way, there are two things you can do to get out of that
trap. First, picture each person as a fingerprint: unique, all having similar
characteristics, but beautiful in their individuality. We all have our own pace
and one is not better than any other, just different. One of my favorite lines
from a movie is from “Oklahoma”- “I don’t say I’m no better than anybody else …
but I’ll be danged if I ain’t just as good!” Try hard to avoid comparing
yourself against others and instead focus on pushing yourself to your own,
personal limits, and rejoice and celebrate when you are able to do so.
If you feel like you are helplessly
swimming in a pool of self-doubt, it is time to climb out of introspection and
focus completely on serving someone else. In serving, you feel empowered to
lift others, to affect change, to be a mover and shaker. You will forget
yourself in this service and will be able to get outside of your head for a
little while. As you serve, why not write down special moments, moments when
you made a difference? That way, when you are feeling powerless, you can read
those entries and remember that you are powerful. The most powerful time of
this for me was serving on my mission. When I feel low, those experiences
When
all else fails, I have one final fail safe. I sing, as loud and off-key as
humanly possible, the song “Confidence” from “The Sound of Music.” It makes me
laugh, gets me outside of my worries for a little while, and reminds me to not
stress so much. Even if the “rainy-day-blues” Nazis are taking over the
country, you still have so many wonderful things to enjoy in life, like apple
strudel. (If you haven’t seen the movie, this reference will make so sense… and
you should watch it, because it’s amazing!!!!)
I know
that there are great things in store for you. Never forget- tomorrow has
limitless potential for being a day worth remembering.
